How to know when homesickness is something more.
By Anne Vaccaro Brady
The symptoms of mental illness often first appear between the ages of 18 and 24, according to the JED Foundation, whose mission is to promote emotional health and prevent suicide among college students. Add to this the stressors associated with all the new experiences involved in transitioning to college, and it’s clear why 30 percent of college students said they were “so depressed that it was difficult to function” in a 2009 survey conducted by the American College Health Association-National College Health Assessment.
After reading in my local newspaper about two college students who committed suicide, I began wondering how I’d recognize when my own college students were depressed and where I’d find help for them.
I hope this post assists you in knowing when to intervene and how to overcome any stigma you may have about mental illness. As one expert I interviewed explained, if your child became diabetic, you’d get her medical care. Depression is an illness as well and requires treatment.
At the end of this post, you’ll find links to important resources for parents and students on maintaining emotional health during the college years.
Understanding what’s going on I often compare teenagers going off to college to young adults being drafted into military service. Everything about their life changes—where they sleep, who they live with, what they eat, how their days are structured. For some college kids, there isn’t a familiar face in sight on day one. For an 18-year-old, that’s a lot of change in one large dose.
Commuter students face other challenges, like trying to juggle a full-time class schedule with a full- or part-time job, and trying to make new friends when they spend more time off-campus than on.
“The best years of your life” myth Too many well-meaning adults tell this lie to college freshmen, recalling their own college days through a filtered lens. College is hard, whether or not a student lives on campus, and phrases like these can leave a teenager feeling disappointed with his own experience, and himself.
Dr. Emil Rodolfa, Director of Counseling and Psychological Services at the University of California, Davis, agrees that parents shouldn’t put such expectations on their children. “Hopefully, the best time of your life is ahead of you, not during college,” he said.
Recognizing your freshman’s unhappiness The experts I reached out to emphasize keeping the lines of communication open, before and after your teen leaves for college.
Hopefully, you and your new college student spoke about his concerns and expectations before he headed off to his new school. Check out my post on advice other parents have shared with their college freshmen.
I don’t advocate helicopter parenting, but I do believe parents should talk or text with their college student regularly and ask questions. Start with the basics, like “How’s it going?” or “What did you have for dinner tonight? Did you make time for breakfast, too?” or “Are you getting enough sleep?” “Which classes did you have today?” and “What did you do on the weekend?” These are all ways to check on whether your son or daughter is keeping some type of normal pattern.
The answers to a few of these questions should give you a clue as to whether your freshman is adjusting to his new life or struggling. Skyping once in a while, to “see” how your student is doing, doesn’t hurt either.
There are also other signs. “If their child is always coming home on the weekends, parents should discuss if they are coming home or leaving the university,” explained Rodolfa.
Checking in on your college student in-person can be helpful, if done the right way. “A visit is good, but constant visiting may interfere with the child making friends and may feel intrusive,” he added.
When homesickness becomes depression Dr. Jane L. Pearson, chair of the Suicide Research Consortium of the National Institute of Mental Health, recommends a student talk with someone, probably starting with a parent, when “you’re starting to feel like you can’t sleep and you’re stressing out and it’s taking longer than a week or two to get through this and you’re finding you can’t concentrate, where you’re worried you can’t function, anything like that.”
As a parent, you want to be clued in to these problems. “Usually with depression, the question is how long has this been going on,” added Pearson. “Is it more than a couple of days? Is it going into two weeks? Then you should be concerned. Most people can start bouncing out of something [by then].”
Rodolfa advises parents to listen for three things: “1. I don’t like who I am. 2. I am all alone. 3. Things are never going to change here.”
Your teen might not say these things directly to you, but her Facebook page or Twitter feed might hold some answers. “I think there is a reason people post on Facebook or Twitter…they are expressing how they are doing, and so this is one piece of information,” he explained. “But of course the best way to get information is [for parents] to discuss [this] with their children.”
Don’t ignore comments about suicide “I would say if anyone’s talking about suicide, you’ve got to take it seriously,” advises Pearson. “People used to say that’s a gesture, a way to get attention, so on. We have to take them all seriously. Even if somebody doesn’t have a plan, for them to say that, must mean they’re pretty miserable. It’s always easier to work with somebody when a problem’s just beginning than when it’s gotten to a really bad situation.”
If you think your student is in immediate danger, or even if you’re not sure, you, or your son or daughter, can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (I-800-273-8255).
Helping your student get help “Parents should talk first with their children, and then if the parents are having trouble communicating with their child, it may be time to reach out to others,” said Rodolfa.
“Colleges usually offer short-term counseling and assessment so that any student can walk in and the counseling staff will assess and determine what would be most helpful,” he continued. “Counseling centers also offer urgent care services and are available for students in crisis. Counseling centers will know community resources and will be able to refer to the community if the student needs more services than what is available through the counseling center.”
If you’re concerned about your student, you can contact his RA or the residence hall staff. The Dean of Students is another resource. Both the Health Center and Counseling Center will take calls from parents, although, because of privacy laws, they can’t tell you if your student has been in touch with them already unless your teen has signed a release.
To find out what’s available at your kid’s college, visit the college’s website and search “counseling services.”
Before it’s needed, check that your student is on an insurance plan that will cover counseling services.
What talking with a doctor or counselor can do Treatment for mental illness involves psychotherapy (talk therapy) or medication, and often a combination of both. Pearson points out that before a patient is given any treatment, the doctor or counselor will do a thorough interview to find out his or her specific symptoms.
“When somebody does get the opportunity to talk to somebody, to get medication, in most situations, especially [at] colleges and college counseling centers…it’s an opportunity to figure out how to manage stressors like this again,” explains Pearson. “So it is really an opportunity to figure out how to learn some life skills.”
Resources You Can Access Now Bookmark these websites to learn more and ensure they’re handy if you ever need them.
The JED Foundation created this very useful guide on how parents can protect their teen’s mental health. They also have additional information for parents and students accessible through this page.
The National Institute of Mental Health has a guide on college students and depression that answers their most frequently asked questions. The information is helpful for parents, too.
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention addresses issues like what to do if someone you know seems suicidal.
University of California, Davis Student Health and Counseling Services offers advice for parents on helping your student adjust to college life on this part of their website.
Transition year This site, created by the JED Foundation, has specific sections for parents and students on maintaining emotional health as a teen transitions to college.
I plan to follow-up on this topic in later posts, but please share your own advice, experiences and thoughts in the comments section below.